A trick to not be cold
on monogamy, polyamory, and dying.
content note: this includes personal reflections, some of which include mention to death, dying, funerals, trauma, and a brief mention of sexual assault with no details.
I am here. Back in my Brooklyn apartment, attempting to glue all the many pieces of myself back together. Returning was no easy feat and was marked with a host of problems: a lost luggage, missed flights, maxed out credit cards, heartbreak, and extreme turbulence that ignited all of my flying phobias. Then as soon as I landed in Atlanta to be with family, my laptop decided to transition to its next life. There were two books I was working on that I was close to finishing and at the moment those files are now inaccessible to me, perhaps even gone for good. I’ve been working on one of the books since 2022 and another 2023.
2022 was also the year I “killed myself” with the intention of having a more hopeful resurrection marked with the memories of love and more honest witnessing from my friends and loved one. To be honest, I am not sure if I ever truly resurrected. Right after my death, I experienced a heartbreak I could only categorize as the most extreme betrayal. It radically changed me, touched me. Only then did I experience sensations that could only be likened to being of the moment right before death. Turns out, you cannot control everything and you cannot dominate even your worst fears.
2023 could only be described as a painful sleepwalk. I was not alive and any sense of living felt nonsensical. I fumbled through everything and perhaps, most people could not tell since for some reason, we equate productivity with wellbeing. I was present and I was doing things, so perhaps then everything was fine. But it wasn’t.
When the opportunity came to leave New York, it only made sense. The city was full of ghosts and vampires (and not the kinds I like). Through leaving, I rediscovered life, love, joy, patience, freedom. The armor around me softened. Strangers began to fascinate me. Meditation became a part of my practice. All of these things are forever with me now. I am happy in the chaos of my return. There’s a calmness about my every day even though still it is a struggle.
The laptop that died was my primary device in 2022 and 2023. Its death feels like a true end of a cycle. One of the books I was writing was an attempt to complete my 2022 death ritual that was still in limbo and causing me to be in purgatory. This is a homage to the process, which involved digging through personal archives, reading the sweet love notes that were shared with me from friends, and doing deeper reflections around what I was navigating that year.
Perhaps it seems weird to reflect on 2022 in 2024, but I must and the themes that appear below are still curious to me. However, there’s a new orientation toward them now. Perhaps, a greater sense of all around strength and nourishment and desire to not be defined by limitations. 2024 is the year I live again.
December 31, 2021
the problem of polyamory is that it made me more detail oriented than relationship oriented. somehow we are negotiating how we should fit into each other’s life. it’s not always rooted in desire or the idea that not all boundaries are fixed.
January 26, 2022
Kid Names
Portal
Soma
Time
February 3, 2022
I’m turning 27 — 2 + 7
Lay to rest
Jar of urine
Hair
Bury it in a park
Lay flowers
February 4, 2022
SOOO IM HAVING A FUNERAL FOR MYSELF, one of my selfs. I’ve been grieving and holding onto aspects of myself that have to go.
I want to thank the me who tried to keep me safe & protect me with old stories and narratives but it’s time to move on and step into the person I want to become.
YOURE INVITED
February 9th
moon in Gemini
Mercury direct
9 represents a cycle of completion - the finality of cycle and another possible beginning.
I will be in a period of mourning from Feb 9 until Feb 20th (my bday) and will actively be off social media until the reborn day ❤️🔥
You can participate by sharing a special memory, song, piece of art that reminds you of our connection please send by February 8 (coming up, this is urgent). I’ll spend my mourning days allotting some time to going through it all :)
goals: tattoo on throat
The waxing gibbous phase signals redirection, adjustment, and flexibility. Your plans are being challenged, and your patience is being tested.
First day: clean house
Second day: clean body
Every day: writing & meditation
February 4, 2022
BREATHWORK HW - CHAPTER 3
Trauma spreads between bodies like a contagious disease. When people with unhealed trauma chooses dirty pain, they may try to soothe their trauma by blowing it through another person (violence, rage, coercion, deception, betrayal, emotional abuse) and this only ends up increasing the person’s dirty pain.
February 5, 2022
Trick to not be cold
Inner layer that you tuck in (ie long sleeve shirt)
Regular shirt
Fuzzy Fleece
Wind breaking item that you zip up
Neck object so wind doesn’t get inside
Hat
Gloves
Wool socks
February 9, 2022
cw: sexual violence and assault
I never will frame my love within the boundaries of monogamy or polyamory. I will however state my values and my dreams because I truly believe these things deserve to be in conversation & shared.
I am interested in learning how to be in the practice of love with all those I choose to have in my life. I believe that the true difference between all relationships at the core is boundaries. I believe boundaries are portals to create worlds where we can show up as our true authentic open loving self and arrive at places beyond the assumptions that the words sexual, romantic, platonic, or even partner bring. there are as many ways to be a partner and be in relationships as there are people on this earth.
I am petty. I don’t like when others regurgitate quotes & ideological talking points when it comes to love. many of the lessons you spit at me, I know. been had to learn. they’re basic. not everyone can meet all your needs, they say. love is important in all different kinds of relationships, they say. You are forced to learn this when the world breaks your heart before you are even born. You are forced to learn this when both of your primary caregivers as a kid are absent.
tell me, did you ever learn that black people were worthy of love, of romance, partnership, and extravagance? & at what point did you believe that I was worthy of love? do you?
~~~
they want to see me for eight months, no “commitment”, just expectations. tells me my love makes them feel good, seen, powerful. he later assaults me and his white partner is his safe harbor.
how did you learn how to love, someone asked?
I demanded it for myself, reclaimed it as my birthright.
there always was the story that I wouldn’t heal unless I love my oppressor. how many ways have we been taught that those harmed must expand their hearts even further to accommodate sin?
when I cut my own heart and offer it as tribute, it is seen as a simple act of love.
February 19, 2022
on grief
grief is the feeling of the love that we lost. grief is us figuring out what to do with our love. doesn’t have to be loss of person. it can be anything that was important or significant to you.
March 10, 2022
I work intimately with the energies and bodies of others. I love bodies. I love seeing people laugh, cry, fuck, and dance with their bodies. I want to belong to & be reclaimed by all. I want deep intimacy that a loving committed partnership can bring. I don’t want love that is conditional on me being a perfect “woman.” I’m not a woman. I love expansively cause I don’t want to be caged.
the occulted body: things that you don’t see (fascia, organs, nervous system).
March 31, 2022
fuck monogamy or polyamory, you ever love a dark skin black bitch unapologetically?
Title of this Poem: Neither monogamy or polyamory will save me
Alt-Title of this Poem: They reading bell hooks again but won’t love a black person.
Quite simply, the First step to loving me is loving me.
Why we skipping the heart, heading to the brain first to discuss the many ways we can be obedient?
I’ve thought it over. Desire, Devotion, and Discipline are my three tenants. But I might add Disobedience to the mix.
To be Disobedient as the Discipline,
To be both Disciplined and Disobedient,
Is to commit to finding freedom in the constant state of rupture.
Is to live by my rules and values and be at odds with ones enforced by any other governing body I didn’t consent to.
Is to move like I’m worthy of love even when I’m unproductive to you.
Is to love like I’m hopeful and trusting even when worlds are ending & they want me to defend my shit at all cost in the name of “safety.”
But I aint packin no shit. all I got is love, plants, pussy, and black but we good.
In the beginning before God there was black and in the end there will be black.
Love is Freedom.
Love is Freedom.
Love is Freedom.
April 15, 2022
we talk a lot about the world changing and letting it all collapse! we see the violence as mostly manifesting externally but must we not forget of the violence we have had to ingest. There are those of who have tried to make homes out of shit hoping alchemy will turn it into gold. But after a while you realize all you have is shit. This is what happens when an empire is built on lies.
May 27, 2022
Capitalist sanctioned heartbreak - the number one cause of death in America.
June 14, 2022
how do we love even when our worlds are ending?
read love stories.
Thank you for this