growing up I moved around almost every year. the longest I stayed in one home was probably two years. there is no “family home,” to return to and there definitely are no familial heirlooms to hold on to. nothing ever really felt like mine growing up, except for my electronic devices. I have held on to phones, laptops, ipods longer than any room, apartment, or house I have ever lived in. I do not remember any addresses from childhood but I do remember my first phone numbers, chat room names, usernames, and early passwords.
Now as an adult, I’m figuring out what it means to feel connected to home. And yet every place I have lived, I have wanted to leave maybe not always immediately but eventually that desire arises. even now I have just moved and still I am thinking about moving again… fantasizing about some special magical place out there that I do not have as I simultaneously unpack and try my best to settle in.
for now home is just an uncomfortable thing. the whole idea of moving my body and things long term to a random place that I toured for ten minutes after reading some ad online written by some person who does not give a fuck about me and my wellbeing is just bizarre. it feels like committing to be in a monogamous relationship after one date but worse because they scheduled twenty other dates back to back and didn’t really give you the attention you DESERVED to begin with! but here we are and i will make the best out of it.
So far I have been cooking and filling my homes with ancestral foods. I made “okra gumbo,” which is basically an okra stew that has pork, shrimp, corn, and tomatoes. I also recently went out and bought jiffy cornbread mix, the kind my great grandmother used. she made hers on the stovetop in a skillet which would make it thin and crispy.
Today, when thinking about what feeling settled feels like in my body, I thought of my laptop, this sweet transient being / sidekick who knows me better than anyone I have ever dated. I will be with them to death do us part.
Today, when I thought of desires, I thought of my desire to experience a longterm romantic relationship which so far has always felt like this mysterious fairy tale that exists for some and not others.
Today, when thinking of labor, I thought about everyone who has shown up for me over the past few months. I could not have moved without a friend agreeing to be my guarantor, another giving me money to borrow to pay the brokers fee, another helping me pack, and another who did tours for me when I was out of town. When moving through a recent conflict, I had another crew show up for emotional support and facilitating support. It’s the most I’ve ever asked for and accepted help and it was extremely uncomfortable and mind-altering all the way through. I am accepting that I cannot and should not do everything alone.
Today, when thinking of pleasure I thought about all the ways I am filling my cup up this month and the next and that made me happy / proud that I choose myself over and over again.
On Tuesday March 28th, I’ll be sharing thoughts on future tech, solidarity, and care alongside Nushin Yazdani, Peter Wu+, and Sruti Suryanarayanan as part of my residency with Eyebeam.
On Thursday March 30th, I’ll be sharing at the p5.js Community Salon at NYU ITP alongside an amazing group of folks.
And then on Saturday April 1st, I’ll be sharing my souls work as I do my first experimental launch of Pleasure Cafe, an apothecary and eco-erotic cafe offering herbal beverages and sensual offerings in hex house and beyond. rsvp to get all the details.
Much of my work and thoughts these days have been in the realm of education, spatial performance, eco-eroticism, and perversion. my desire to move was to go deeper into a grounded space so that I had the energetic support necessary to grow into deep ideas. as someone who works within the erotic realm, non-traditional work and work structures, and is a highly sensitive being, I’m very affected by my environment. it has taken me quite some time to admit that.
im thankful to all you who read this ++ share your thoughts / love. this has been a sweet space to pop in too. I know my writing is inconsistent and the form changes too but I hope to continue to explore this space over time.
feel free to reply back with any thoughts / shares / curiosity. it’s nice to hear from you <3
Thank you <3 this is so beautiful. I felt the vulnerability and longing for some type of invisible fantasy of relationship and for me rather than home it would be community recently, but the acceptance of being extremely sensitive to my environment and wondering what is truly possible. For me my comfort baking food is nettle lemon sponge cake. Would love to share sometime!! Jiffy brings me back to childhood and it’s so sweet and heartwarming that it’s a memory from your grandma
Thank u for sharing cy. A lot of this resonated with me and sometimes I feel weird for spending so much time thinking about what a permanent home would look like for me and how that environment could shape my life. Sometimes I add jalapeños to my cornbread Hahha <3