Everything is Uncomfortable
But, at least there is some good news
TLDR; Astrology and Love are real! Go visit your friends and lovers! And if you don’t want to wait for the surprise reveal. . . click here.
For three fleeting weeks, I had a therapist. Each session began with a familiar ache: Everything is Uncomfortable, a sentiment that wrapped itself around my days like a second skin. The eventual email to her, revealing that I could no longer afford our sessions, was as uncomfortable as my own delusion that somehow my situation could magically change with the speed of both my need and my desire. She asked for a closing session, a way to acknowledge our work together, but the $30 in my bank account insisted otherwise. That week, I chose food over closure.
My depression reawakened, and this time I fled to the Bay Area. My lover in Oakland breathed life into the lifeless spaces within me. In the face of adversity, I had forgotten how to breathe; much of my subconscious energy went toward clenching my stomach, holding the discomfort of life, genocide, heartbreak, and technologically mediated connections. This lover is not my boyfriend, and we are not so tethered, but he still paid for half of my flight, welcomed me into his world, fed me, and unraveled the knots in my spirit with his kindness. It was the most nourishing act of care and love, a gift I hope to repay to all those I love, a thousand times over. This care also helped me reconnect with my dear friends Mari and Salem. I finally understood what lover meant.
During my time there, my Grandma and Grandpa called me, and we discussed life, health, Palestine, and our struggles. Grandpa likes to remind me, “You have the first dollar you ever made.” He tells me this every time he sees me. Suddenly, I can feel the shift in his voice, that rare moment of seriousness as he dreams aloud about building a place where people could live for free. He wants everyone to be taken cared of. “I’m sure with your money, we could build a whole building!” My extended family thinks I’m rich, perhaps because Artist is a foreign concept to them.
I’ve had two incredible astrological readings—one with Michael J. Morris1 and, more recently, with Johanna Hedva2. Michael affirmed what I already knew deep down: beauty, pleasure, and art are my anchors in this lifetime. My path as an artist is etched into the cosmos, with Venus as my compass. Johanna’s reading was sharp, expansive, and came with a selection of dates that I scribbled aggressively into my journal. This was more of a transit reading, and my Saturn Return, they said, would be a time of growth—albeit not financially—and that there would be some kind of move in October.
A few months later, I found out I was accepted into a free graduate program to study Performance Art and Performative Practices at The Academy of Fine Arts in Nuremberg. I submitted a plan to continue my Eros Study research project over the next two years, starting with finishing my Holes fetish magazine.
Classes begin in October, the month Johanna informed me I would move. I’ve held this news close, whispering it only to myself and a few others, because every day, the reality of making that move feels impossible—like something just out of reach. Financially, it still is.
Last month, I launched Blooming Together, an eight-week group course on ecology, eroticism, somatics, and spiritual practices. It was meant to serve as an introduction to my life’s work in pleasure so far and a step toward financial stability that could bring me closer to my dream of studying performance art. But the response was the quietest I’ve ever received, and today, I had to cancel it—no thanks to Instagram’s algorithmic bias. A humbling experience, to say the least. But, as Johanna reminded me, my move is written in the stars, so it will happen. Inshallah.
Every moment of this Saturn Return has pressed against my deep-rooted belief in independence. There’s only so much I can do alone, and this realization is the most uncomfortable, especially for someone who grew up having to do so much alone.
Recently, I launched a GoFundMe to support my studies. It’s been a tender, almost trembling shift to change the direction of my artistic practice during a time when censorship looms heavy, and the ghosts of puritanism still linger in the air. But this is my calling, the place where I feel most at home, where I believe I can truly engage in change work. I’m deeply aware that so many are in need right now, which makes every contribution—whether big or small—a profound gift. Whether you’re able to donate or simply share my story, please know that your support will carry me into this next chapter and beyond.
Thank you for being part of this journey with me. Let’s continue to create, dream, and bloom together.
With love and gratitude,
Cy X
I have to thank my friend Coralys Carter for recommending them some years back!
They actually currently have a waitlist open for their readings. Highly recommend!